There once was a COBOL programmer named Mike. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the relational database modelers, client/server programmers and website developers, Mike was finally getting some respect.
After separating from the Air Force, he’d become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments, and making more money than he’d ever dreamed of. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it. Soon he could retire. Continue reading
Someone out there either has way too much time, or is deadly at Scrabble!
|Desperation||A Rope Ends It|
|The Morse Code||Here Come Dots|
|Slot Machines||Cash Lost in ’em|
|Animosity||Is No Amity|
|Snooze Alarms||Alas! No More Z’s|
|Alec Guinness||Genuine Class|
|Semolina||Is No Meal|
|The Public Art Galleries||Large Picture Halls, I Bet|
|A Decimal Point||I’m a Dot in Place|
|The Earthquakes||That Queer Shake|
|Eleven plus two||Twelve plus one|
|Contradiction||Accord not in it|
|Year Two Thousand||A Year To Shut Down|
|A fool and his money are soon partying.|
|Money can’t buy love. But it can rent a very close imitation.|
|Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.|
|If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.|
|A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.|
|Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.|
|For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.|
|He who hesitates is probably right.|
|Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.|
|No one is listening until you make a mistake.|
|Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.|
|The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.|
|To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.|
|To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles|
|Two wrongs are only the beginning|
|You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive|
|The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard|
|Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life|
|The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up|
|A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory|
|If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before|
|Change is inevitable….except from vending machines|
|Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow|
|Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!|
|If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments|
|How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands….|
|Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route|
|Everybody repeat after me…..”We are all individuals.”|
|Death to all fanatics!|
|Chastity is curable, if detected early|
|Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener|
|Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques|
|Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now|
|Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back|
|Beware of geeks bearing gifs|
|Half the people you know are below average|
|99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name|
|42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot|
|A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good|
|If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you|
Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
Use your mastercard to pay your visa.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says “Have a nice day” tell them you have other plans.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Forget the diet and send yourself a candygram.
Make a list of things that you’ve already done.
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send them off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax return with roman numerals.
Tattoo “out to lunch” on your forehead.
Tape pictures fo your boss on watermelons and lobb them from high places.
Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
Go shopping, buy everything, sweat in it, return it the next day.
Buy a subscription to sleezoid weekly and set it to your bosses wife/hubby.
Pay your electricity bill in pennies.
Drive to work in reverse.
Relay by mentally reflecting on your favourite episode of The Flintstones during that important finance meeting.
Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
Refresh yourself. Put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.
Tell you boss to blow it out of his mule and let him figure it out.
Polish your car with earwax.
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Start a nasty rumour and see if you recognise it when it comes back to you.
Bill your doctor/dentist/whoever for time spent in his waiting room.
Braid the hairs in each nostril.
Write a short story; using alphabet soup.
Lie on your back eating celery…. using your naval as a salt dipper.
Stare at people through the lines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail.
Make up a language and ask people for directions.
I first posted this back in 2002, however isn’t it funny how things come full circle?
The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as “EuroEnglish“:
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c“.. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favor of the “k“. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with the “f“. This will make words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e”‘s in the languag is disgrasful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v“. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!
Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing.
One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked his Motorola 68040 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in his garden. He thought to himself, “She looks user-friendly. I’ll see if she’d like an update tonight.”
Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like COBOL and a PRIME mainframe architecture that set Micro’s peripherals networking all over the place. He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32-bit floating point processors and enquired “How are you, Honeywell?”.
“Yes, I am well”, she responded, batting her optical fibres engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.
Micro settled for a straight line approximation. “I’m stand-alone tonight”, he said, “How about computing a vector to my base address? I’ll output a byte to eat, and maybe we could get offset later on.”
Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8K. “I’ve been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh my disks. I’ll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside.”
She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, “Wow, what a global variable, I wonder if she’d like my firmware?”
They sat down at the process table to top of form feed of fiche and chips and a bucket of baudot. Mini was in conversation mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave the occasional acknowledgements, although, in reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally settled on the old ‘Would you like to see my benchmark routine’, but Mini was again one step ahead.
Suddenly she was up and stripp full functionality of her operating system software. “Let’s get BASIC, you RAM”, she said. Micro was loaded by this; his hardware was in danger of overflowing its output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about. “Core”, was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off.
Micro soon recovered, however, when Mini went down on the DEC and opened her divide files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root device and was just about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she attempted an escape sequence.
“No, no!”, she cried, “You’re not shielded!”
“Reset, Baby”, he replied, “I’ve been debugged.”
“But I haven’t got my current loop enabled, and I can’t support child processes”, she protested.
“Don’t run away”, he said, “I’ll generate an interrupt.”
“No, that’s too error prone, and I can’t abort because of my design philosophy.”
Micro was locked in by this stage, though, and could not be turned off. But Mini soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.
“Computers!”, she thought, as she recompiled herself. “All they ever think of is hex!”